when will I learn

"Many people don’t think they are loved, or held safe, so when suffering and struggles come they see it as an affirmation of their worthlessness. The great questions of the spiritual life are to learn to live our brokenness under the blessing and not the curse." -Henri Nouwen

Sometimes I feel worthless. I think that if I was just a little more "enough" of something I wouldn't struggle so much. I start to believe that I'm not smart enough, not interesting enough, not pretty enough, not talented enough, not spiritual enough, not funny enough... whatever relates to the particular struggle. I'm just not "enough" of whatever would "fix" my life. But I know to feel this way edges at my soul. I hate berating myself like this. I feel dirty and heavy. I am the "many people" in this quote.

Sometimes I do not like my life.
Sometimes I think it'll choke me.
Sometimes it seems so senseless.
Sometimes it surprises me.
Sometimes it holds so much promise that it scares me.
Sometimes it makes me giggle like I'm three again.
Sometimes I think it doesn't exsist.
Sometimes I think I've screwed it all up.
But mostly I know I need to live in love, humility and grace.

Do I continue to affirm myself under the curse or learn to love myself under the blessing of my heavenly Father?